Is there anything worse than the smell of microwaved fish sticks? Well, of course there is but I absolutely hate fish sticks. They remind me of hospitals.
When I was a kid I was in the hospital (the only time I've ever had to stay overnight) getting my tonsils removed. I was only two or three years old but I vividly remember this experience. When being dragged into the OR, they had to remove the clothing I was wearing. This happened to be my favorite articles of clothing: Superman underoos. I screamed, "Don't take my Superman underwear! Don't take my Superman underwear!" I was, however, unsuccessful in retaining my Man of Steel skivvies and was wheeled kicking and screaming into the operating room. I can remember the mask going on my face and then blackness closing in.
I remember little flashes of things that happened after. The weeble wobble village my parents gave me for "being a good boy", the ice cream and popsicles I was given to combat swelling, and, regretably, the fishsticks. I hated fish. I hated the texture, the smell, the unfishlike shape of the stick. It was, in a word, gross. The hospital wouldn't give me anything else to eat so my grandmother came up with this song to make me eat them:
Fishy fishy in the brook
Daddy caught it with a hook
Mommy fried it in a pan
And Joshy ate it like a man!
I will probably never forget that as long as I live. The song didn't really work. I would take a bite and gag and spit it back out. I wanted more ice cream. "Take five bites and you can have some ice cream." My mother always bargained with me like that. Three bites of this, five bites of that. "Mom, how many bites of chicken do I have to eat?"
Some guy was cooking fish sticks in the microwave today at work. As soon as I smelled them I could feel the gag reflex kicking in. Then the song, the weeble village, and the Superman underoos came flooding back. One tiny trigger and you remember it all. Funny how that works.
I have a somewhat irrational fear of getting shot while driving on the
interstate. I work nights, so my drive to work is down the dark freeway
between Austin and San Marcos. Whenever a car pulls up even with me on
the left (driver) side, I always imagine the window rolling down and a
gun peeking out. Then there’s a couple of bangs and I’m swerving all
over the road, sideswiping cars, trying to make my get-away. The fear
increases when the car next to me is a pervert panel van. Those will,
of course, contain men in ski masks with AK-47s. Good thing I’ve been
preparing for this my entire life. I have plans which, for obvious
reasons, I can’t go into here. I can’t have the enemy knowing my next
move.
Pictured above is Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry (of girl kissing fame). Can you figure out which is which? Almost impossible isn't it? I think I've stumbled on to something but I'm not sure what…
I was thinking tonight about how when I was a kid my mom and dad would sometimes make ice cream at special family events. My dad would sit there for hours cranking and cranking and cranking to get the ice cream to that perfect consistency. My favorite was Milky Way ice cream (basically vanilla with chunks of milky way cut up into it). That was some of the best ice cream I've ever had. Now I want to make my own.
Ice cream makers have apparently come a long way since the wooden bucket and hand crank. They aren't that expensive either. There's a little bit of summer left. Just call me the ice cream man. Stop me when I'm passing by.
My left eye has developed a slight twitch. I don't think you can see it, but I feel it doing it every few minutes. I'm not sure If it's stress, not getting enough sleep (damn you Olympics!), or what but it's getting annoying.
Now to answer a pressing question: What would chairs look like if your knees bent the other way?
Exactly the same, of course.
Michael Phelps, you are awesome.
Also, what the hell happened during the national anthem? They started it like 4 times and then ended it early. Way to ruin it China!
I love the Olympics.
A pack of cigarettes, unopened, can go through a washing machine and dryer and in fact still be smokable. They may taste faintly of soap but that may be psychosomatic.